A joke

A wise teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything that your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

A joke

A blonde pulls up to the booth of a wildlife drive-through park in her brand new convertible. "I'm sorry, ma'am," the attendant said, "but the bears will destroy the top of your car if you drive it through the park. Would you like to use one of the junk cars we keep here for these situations?"

"A junk car?" the blonde said reluctantly. "How about if I just put the top down?"

A joke

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Joke

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws.
Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

A joke

Why was the blonde delighted when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 11 months?
Because the box said "2 to 4 years".

A joke

What do you call a guy who misses ten car payments?
A pedestrian.

Joke

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his doctor about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!"
"Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find it!"

Забавно

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

Joke

Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young people to the worlds of jazz and classical music. Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins.

Лингвистическая шутка

английский юмор, шутки на английскомA Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

Лингвистическая шутка

Guy walks into a restaurant and orders eggs. The waitress asks "How would you like those eggs cooked?" The guy says "Hey, that would be great."

лингвистическая шутка

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

angry face

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window."

лингвистическая шутка

A man sees a note scribbled on the men's room wall; "For a good screw, call...."
He dials the number and a woman answers, "Hello, Midtown Law Office."